The Crappy Side of Shame

Have you had a kid poop in the pool yet? No? Well, we have. Not our pool. Our neighbor's pool. Let me remind you that my children are the ages of children who do not poop in pools.

Here is how it went down. The boys were invited to come swim and two of the boys hurried to get ready. The other, afraid to be left behind, made the decision to forgo going to the bathroom before leaving. He should have gone to the bathroom.

There he was, relaxed and enjoying his time in a stranger's pool with no idea where the closest bathroom was and flatulence that was about to ruin his day. And ruin it did. With one miscalculation, he pooped instead of passing gas. Thankfully, swim trunks have a mesh lining that caught the debris, but the deed was done. He swam over and told his brother who accompanied him on the ride of shame back home. (And, yeah. We called the parents).

Unfortunately for him that day just kept getting tougher, leaving him noticeably defeated. Pulling him close, I asked my son if he had learned anything from the day. His embarrassment and frustration released and he tearfully replied, "That I am a bad kid."

Shame. Powerful, sneaky, crushing shame.

My favorite, Brené Brown, breaks down the difference in shame and guilt by shame's ability to become an identity. For example, shame tells us, "I am bad" unlike guilt that says, "I did something bad." Shame goes right for the core of self-identity, whereas guilt highlights behavior. It comes for us in our earliest days and can quickly become an emotion that encourages habitual negative beliefs.

We sat together for a while, recounting the day and (finally) laughing about the pool debacle. I assured him that he was not a bad kid, he had just had a bad day. He understood, for the moment, but I know this will be something that he and all my children will need to continually practice.

What about you sister? What is shame telling you? What are you believing about yourself? Can you separate your behavior from your identity? Let me know if I can help. I can pray, I can listen and I can give you resources.

More importantly, go to the bathroom before swimming. Talk soon.